


Pro vobis

by orphan_account



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Dubious Consent, M/M, Smut, but not really that smutty because it's too angsty, might be triggering please be careful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-15
Updated: 2013-04-15
Packaged: 2017-12-08 15:13:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/762843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Enjolras would want to fuck him, and Grantaire would give him that, would act as if he wanted it also, because he was not so selfish as to keep that part of himself from his love. Maybe that would convince his Apollo that this cynic was not entirely worthless."</p>
<p>Grantaire is asexual. He acts as if he is completely okay being fucked so that Enjolras will not leave him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pro vobis

**Author's Note:**

> This is not a very happy fic. And it's not like Grantaire ends up finding out he's not ace after all, or he is just indifferent to sex. He does not like it. So be careful if you might be triggered.

The bottle in Grantaire’s hand was empty, the bitter taste of absinthe cloying in his mouth. He sat on the edge of his couch, preferring to stay there than reach for another bottle, even desperate for alcohol as he was. His body felt weak. Getting up would only cause him damage. He stared at nothing in particular, the hollow feeling inside him creating a blank look to his features.

****  
** **

His face twisted suddenly, contorting into a mixture of hatred and pain and sadness. If someone had been there with him, they would have almost been afraid for him.

 _What have I done to myself?_ he thought, pain overwhelming him. He sighed. Slowly, his features evened out. He continued to stare blankly at nothing. Pitying himself would get him nowhere, and he wasn’t sure if he even regretted doing what he had.

****  
** **

-

****  
** **

Grantaire had never liked the idea of sex. He had understood that people needed human contact, and lusted after each other, and fucked each other for pleasure, but he had never liked it. In fact, he hated the thought of it. He felt fondness and love, and the need to touch people for comfort, but in an innocent way that did not require his cock going into any holes anywhere.

****  
** **

Yet he had never been too worried about it. It was merely something else that made him wrong and different, and he could not imagine a time when he would need a desire for sexual contact.

****  
** **

That was, until Enjolras had returned his love, had accepted his embraces and whispers of endearment and they had started an odd sort of relationship. It was hard to pinpoint when it had happened, but suddenly they were a couple; spending time together more often, holding each other when they were too alone and talking with kinder words. They still fought, but it was somehow less angry, less terrible.

****  
** **

And as much as that had made him ecstatic, it had also forced a rock into his chest that grew day by day, filling him with dread for what was to come. Enjolras would want to fuck him, and Grantaire would give him that, would act as if he wanted it also, because he was not so selfish as to keep that part of himself from his love.

****  
** **

He had never deserved Enjolras and he still did not know why he had him. Whatever the cost, he had to keep him there. He had to do something for this man who had given him everything.

****  
** **

Perhaps he would even enjoy it, he thought as he spent hours preparing, thinking over how it would be done and how he would put up a pretence. He practiced what he would say and how he would say it so that Enjolras would believe him eager to have sex. He would have to initiate it, or Enjolras would think him unwilling.

****  
** **

And so it was that after about a month of being together, Grantaire readied himself to do what was necessary to please Enjolras.

****  
** **

In the end, it hadn’t been that difficult. He had begun with deepening the kisses they usually had. He stuck his tongue into Enjolras’ mouth, instantly disliking it. He did not know what else to do, but the other man got over his surprise and used his own tongue to kiss more violently. Grantaire hated it. Why would anyone want to do this? But he carried on, wanting to finish it quickly, wanting to please his Apollo.

****  
** **

When he brought his hand to Enjolras’ pants and pressed slightly on the swelling, the blond made a sound like a gasp and gave Grantaire an odd look. He then smiled, his eyes seeming clouded and not like the usual Enjolras.

****  
** **

Nervous, Grantaire undid the trousers, and Enjolras’ thick cock sprung free. It felt odd, but Grantaire began to touch it, rubbing it and pressing down. He regretted being sober, but the fear that Enjolras would reject him if he reeked of alcohol had stopped him from drinking to dull his feelings as he carried this out.

****  
** **

The pleasurable moans coming from his love were enough to make him carry on. He wondered if he should take the cock in his mouth, as he knew was done, but he was too afraid to try something like that.

****  
** **

He left it instead, although perhaps that was unwise, and went up to where Enjolras’ head was resting, beginning to trail kisses on his neck. That felt less terrifying than touching the man’s cock. Enjolras moaned again, and brought his mouth to Grantaire’s once more. Shakily, Grantaire inserted his tongue, moving it around the interior of Enjolras’ mouth.

****  
** **

In a moment of utter horror, he realised his own cock had gone hard, swelled up just like Enjolras’.

****  
** **

If he did not do what he had come here to do soon, he would be too cowardly to go through with it. This was too frightening. He needed to get the worst part finished with. Then everything would be okay.

****  
** **

Retrieving his tongue from inside Enjolras’ mouth, he whispered, ‘fuck me.’

****  
** **

His voice had not trembled, and Enjolras seemed only too willing. He threw Grantaire under him unceremoniously, and for a second Grantaire wanted to struggle and fight, but he quickly reminded himself that this was necessary.

****  
** **

Grantaire knew how this was done. Quickly, he got on all fours on the couch, and Enjolras was on top of him immediately. ‘Are you sure?’ Enjolras’ voice sounded thick with need, and Grantaire held back the lump that raised in his throat as he mumbled, ‘yes. Please’.

****  
** **

What happened next, Grantaire wanted to block out of his memory forever. But it was far too vivid, and he could recall every single second that transpired. He wanted to scream as Enjolras thrust into him, although he could tell the man was trying to be gentle at first. After a while, he seemed to become so consumed with lust that he became almost violent, thrusting in and out with strength, ripping Grantaire apart. At least it was Enjolras and not some stranger, he thought desperately, as he bit his lower lip to stop himself from screaming. This would make his love happy.

****  
** **

He wanted to weep when Enjolras grabbed his cock and began to pump it as he continued to fuck him. It was overwhelming. It was going to kill him. After a very long moment, he ejaculated, and half collapsed down, shaky. But Enjolras was not finished. He continued to thrust in and out, so powerfully that Grantaire was sure he would die of the pain. And suddenly his seed was released inside of Grantaire, and Enjolras collapsed on top of him.

****  
** **

‘that was nice,’ he mumbled, and Grantaire had no answer.

****  
** **

It was over, he thought to himself. But he could feel no relief, no satisfaction. Enjolras was so content, falling next to Grantaire and clutching onto him, nuzzling his mouth into Grantaire’s neck.

****  
** **

It was over.

****  
** **

Why was the man still there, clinging to him like he would never let go?

****  
** **

He liked Enjolras’ touch. But not now, not after this. He wanted Enjolras leave so he could drink on his own and to never be touched again. He felt disgusting, and filthy, and angry at himself.

****  
** **

It was only moments later that Enjolras pulled away, pulled up his pants, kissed Grantaire in the forehead and stood. ‘I must leave you, R,’ he spoke, sounding regretful.

  
Grantaire tried to smile and nod, but could only do so weakly. Enjolras seemed to mistake this for something entirely different, ‘not to worry, we’ll resume this soon enough,’ with a slight grin, he stroked Grantaire’s cheek, turned and left. The door closed behind, and Grantaire was left alone.

****  
** **

Resume this? Resume what? It was over. They had done it.

****  
** **

_Please, no more_ , he wanted to beg, even though Enjolras was gone, _I cannot._

****  
** **

He grabbed the nearest bottle to him, a bottle of absinthe, and drank the bitter liquid, wanting a release.

****  
** **

_What have I done to myself?_ His body felt weak, his insides hollow. He was in absolute pain. Enjolras would not leave, though. That was a victory. Enjolras would stay because Grantaire was being unselfish and giving him what he needed and maybe that would convince his Apollo that this cynic was not utterly worthless, not disposable. He was useful. He was unselfish.

 **  
**Maybe this would convince Enjolras of that, even if it did not convince himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok. So... um? This isn't finished, I'll probably write one more chapter.  
> btw I hope no one takes Enjolras as a bad guy here. Yes, maybe he should have been a bit more cautious, but this is the 19th century after all.   
> Also I don't know if it was obvious that it went full circle there at the end. Hopefully it was...


End file.
